Bottomed Out
by Kathy Rose
Summary: Hoshi's overwhelming grief after aiding the Reptillians helps Reed put his own guilt in persepctive.


  
  
Title: Bottomed Out  
  
Author: Kathy Rose  
  
Category: Angst  
  
Codes: R/S  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Hoshi's overwhelming remorse about aiding the Reptillians puts Malcolm's guilt in perspective as they travel toward the Xindi weapon.  
  
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to someone else, etc., etc., etc. I'm not making any money, I'm just having fun with the characters. Wish I'd thought of them first.  
  
Author's Note: This is unbeta'd... I wanted to get it posted before the last episode of the season.  
  
"Major Hayes is dead."  
  
The moment he said it, Malcolm knew shouldn't have told her. Hoshi was staring at him, her weary eyes widening at the news.  
  
She had come around in unfamiliar surroundings, disoriented, her head aching badly. When she had asked him to tell her how she had come to be aboard Degra's ship, he hadn't thought of how she'd react. He'd been too wrapped up in guilt over the deaths of Hawkins and Hayes to register her distress, much less realize its cause.  
  
She laughed raggedly, a harsh, grating sound to his ears. "What's one more death?" she asked. "So he came to save me. He's just the first who will die because of me."  
  
He'd never seen her so upset before and really didn't know what she was talking about. But her hysterical reaction had to be dealt with or she wouldn't be able to help when they reached the Xindi weapon.  
  
"Hoshi!" he said, grabbing her shoulders as she sat on the bed in the medical bay. "Calm down. You need to rest."  
  
"Why should I?" she asked, swatting his hands away only to hug her arms around herself. She began to rock, and the words came tumbling out almost too fast for Malcolm to understand.  
  
"Why did you send the MACOs after me?" she cried. "It was too late. I'd already broken the encryption for the Reptillians. Now everyone on Earth is going to die because of me."  
  
"Hoshi, you couldn't help what you did," he said. "You were forced to do it."  
  
"Do you know something?" she said in a normal tone of voice that shocked him by its contrast to what she was saying. "I tried to kill myself."  
  
She'd been in sickbay under constant monitoring until she'd been brought aboard Degra's ship, and he hadn't left her side since. "What are you talking about?" he asked in puzzlement.  
  
"They did that...treatment...twice," she said. "The first time, I was able to fight it. I managed to add a layer of my own encryption to the arming codes."  
  
She started to laugh harshly again. "But the Reptillian commander...he knew I wasn't totally controlled. When he grabbed me, I couldn't help but look him in the eye, and he knew. He knew!"  
  
Malcolm watched as she stopped rocking back and forth and a distant look came over her face.  
  
"I ran," she said softly. "I didn't know where to go, but I had to get away from him. But I couldn't. So I tried to jump over a railing. There was some kind of central core and I couldn't see the bottom. If I had succeeded, been able to jump, all those people on Earth would be safe."  
  
Malcolm could feel the waves of anguish coming from her. At a loss for words in the face of her overwhelming despair, he took a step closer and put his arms around her, trying to offer what comfort he could.  
  
She buried her face against his chest, her next words muffled.  
  
"But they caught me," she cried. "They caught me and stopped me, and put more of those things in my head."  
  
"Hoshi," he soothed her, hugging her tighter as the enormity of what she had been forced to do -- and what she had been willing to do to prevent it -- hit him.  
  
He began to rock her, just as he had seen her do earlier, finding comfort for both of them in the instinctive motion. His own guilt at the deaths of Hawkins, and to a lesser extent Hayes, seemed like a drop of water in an ocean compared to what she was going through.  
  
He'd been responsible for Hawkins, and his failure to save the man had wounded him deeply. He'd said as much to Hayes.   
  
He'd also told Hayes that Hoshi was his friend, but had made sure that he'd used her rank and last name, so that the Major wouldn't suspect anything deeper.  
  
But Hayes had understood, and had shown his own maturity in solemnly accepting the responsibility of bringing Hoshi home.  
  
Hayes had given his life so he could have Hoshi back. Now the man was dead and he'd never be able to repay him.  
  
He became aware of Hoshi's sobs gradually lessening, but she didn't move to pull away from him.  
  
"Oh God, Malcolm. What have I done?" she asked softly against his chest.  
  
"You've got to pull yourself together," he told her firmly and felt her move her head against him.   
  
"Why? Haven't I done enough," she said bitterly. "Our mission, all those lives, an entire planet -- ruined because of what I did."  
  
"Stop it!" he ordered, giving her a small shake. "Yes, you helped the Reptillians, but they used you as a tool, nothing more, and you didn't help them willingly. It's a miracle you're not dead."  
  
He drew a deep breath to ease the sudden, sharp pain caused by an image of Hoshi lying lifeless on an alien ship. She was still alive, he told himself, feeling her warmth in his arms, and they needed her special abilities. But most of all, he needed her. And right now, she needed him to be strong for her, whether she knew it or not.  
  
"Hoshi, the people on Earth are still alive at this moment. You haven't killed them."  
  
He paused as he felt her shudder against him. To rescue her from the soul-killing despair that she'd thrown herself in as surely as she would have thrown herself over that railing, he had to be harsh.  
  
"But they need your help. We need your help. You've got to pull yourself together so that when we reach the Xindi weapon, you can help us figure out how to stop it."  
  
Her hands tightened like claws where they grasped his arms as he continued, his voice as cold as space. "If you don't pull yourself together, yes, you will have killed them, wallowing in your self-pity when there was something you could have done to change the outcome."  
  
He heard nothing but her muffled sobs as he continued to hold her. Was she crying for herself, or for all those who might die, or for the one who had died to return her to him, he wondered.  
  
Finally, she shifted her head to rest it on his shoulder, and he heard her voice, tiny and tired but with a strength he hadn't heard since she'd woken up.  
  
"I'll...I'll try," she said through her tears, reaching up with one hand to wipe them away. "You're right. They're not dead yet. They won't be, if I can do anything to stop it."  
  
He gently disengaged from her, holding her at arms' length, and was relieved to see that undefinable spark in her eyes that appealed so much to him. It was the first time he'd seen it since before she'd been abducted by the Reptillians.  
  
She'd never know how much confronting her grief had allowed him to put his in perspective. And he was humbled by the resiliency and inner strength she'd shown.  
  
"Now, let's get to that procedure Phlox showed me how to do, shall we?" he asked and was gratified to see a small smile lift the corners of her lips.   
  



End file.
